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COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 



A LITTLE BOOK OF 
TOO FAMILIAR FAMILY VERSE 



'■^ 



This volume is No. '/^y of an edition 
strictly limited to a certain number of 
copies. The publishers give their asssur- 
ances that this certain number of copies 
will be positively determined by the endur- 
ance of the letterpress used herein and 
that no more copies will be printed after 
the letterpress is worn out. 



A LITTLE BOOK OF 
TOO FAMILL4R FAMILY VERSE 

TO WHICH ARE ADDED 
A FEW PHILUPPICS 



BY 



BARRY VAIL «ci42 '^^^ 






NEW YORK 

BONADVENTURE & BILLINGSGATE 
1910 






Copyright, 1910, by 
John Barry Ryan 



©CIA2652 



•^ 



r 



TO MY FATHER 



You may be rich as Crcesus, 

But when you 've read this verse 

And corner 'd this edition 

There '11 be no creases in your purse. 



Contents, 

Carry me back ter ole Virglnny 3 

Al 5 

Sal 6 

Presarvin'-Time 8 

Scared er Jumpin' 9 

'Zadgeratin' 10 

After-Birthday-Diniier Verses 11 

Chaffering 14 

Binns 16 

To Louis Brennan, London 19 

The Dogbane Beetle 21 

Da Albermarl' Pip' . . , . ♦ 22 

L'envoi 25 



Preface. 

The author of these verses craves from his relatives, 
requests from his friends, and demands from the 
public at large, their indulgences as to the inaccu- 
racy of the meter used. 

His meter never has been accurate. The amount 
of gas running through his metre will be found to be 
enormous. In consequence, the family of the author 
is large, poor, and pitiable. It would have been 
small, rich, and enviable if his meter ever had been 
reliable and given him a chance to accumulate enough 
capital to start a better business than verse-making. 
The unfortunate possession of an irresponsible metre 
in his attic and a temperamental meter in his cellar 
is solely to blame. His surge9n is, as yet, unable to 
remove the one, and the Congosolidated Gas Com- 
pany refuses to relieve him of the other. 



A LITTLE BOOK OF 
TOO FAMILIAR FAMILY VERSE 



Carry me hack ter ole Virginny. 

Carry me back ter ole Virginny; 

Dar ^s whar de fishin' on Tyre River was such fun ; 
Many 's de coon dat I treed in Owl Holler, 

Many 's de mink dat I kotched on Rucker's Run. 
Dar when a boy I would rise in de mornin', 

All in de dark 'fo' de eomin' er de sun, 
Set on a log on de slope er Wood's Mount'n, 

Watchin' fer squir'ls an' a-munchin' sally-lunn. 

Chorus : 

Carry me back ter ole Virginny; 

Down in ole Nelson, whar de corn an' 'taters grow; 
Dar 's whar dey don't have no stock-market tickers, 

Dar 's whar dis ole darky's heart am long ter go. 

Carry me back ter ole Virginny; 

Dar at Oak Ridge de cows an' horses are so fine ; 
Dar 's whar Decanter an' swif Highland Eagle 

Munch on de blue grass an' sweet-pertater vine. 
Dar 's whar de razorbacks run on de mount'n. 

Plenty de acorns an' nuts on which dey feeds. 
Den in de fall when time come fer hog-killin' 

Maybe I kotch some er dose er Mister Sneed's. 

[ 3 ] 



A LITTLE BOOK OF 

Chorus : 

Carry me back ter ole Virginny, 

Down in ole Nelson, whar de corn an^ 'taters grow; 
Dar 's whar dey don't have no Whirls an' no Joynals, 

Dar 's whar dis ole darky's heart am long ter go. 

To my Father, 
Christmas, 1907. 



\ 4 ] 



TOO FAMILIAR FAMILY VERSE 



Al 

LoOKA here now, Al, I gota 'nough of you; 

You been a bada, bada brok' alia week. 

Why you tella me buy dot America Tobac? 

What 's de mat' why you no speak? 

You aska de marge, 

You maka much charge. 

You soaka me tena per cent. 

You tmka for a minute dot I standa for dot? 

You tinka I 'm a lowa-downa gent? 

Gooda-by, Al, I am going away; 

You got a bad disposish. 

Gooda-by, Al; it '11 bea colda day 

When you getta again my commish. 

I comma in your office when I gotta much tin. 

You sella me de Inter-Met., an' taka me in. 

Gooda-by, Al; get gay vit me 

And I maka for you much troub. 

Apologies to Messrs. Montgomery and Stone 
in ' ' The Red Mill. ' ' 

To 

Allan A. Ryan, Esq., 

on his birthday, 

May 6, 1908. 



[ 5 ] 



A LITTLE BOOK OF 



Sal 



Gee! Sal, 

You 're a fine gal, 

All to the candy fer Al, 

Reguler bang-up pal. 

But say! 

Fade away ! 

How about dat Forty-second Street affray' 

'T ain't true 

What dey say of you, 

Tryin' to fall thru 

Into the 

Subway 

T' other day? 

Heh? 

Is dat so? 

How do I know 

Car-track stubbed yer toe? 

Well ! 

Do tell ! 

I was dere 

An' will take der stand an' swear 

You lost a switch. 

A which? 

Why, a switch 

Of some udder guy's hair. 

[ 6 1 



TOO FAMILIAR FAMILY VERSE 

What? 

'T ain't perlite? 

Well, maybe 

Dat 's right. 

What? 

Mad? 

Well, dat 's too bad. 

Whew! 

But I '11 tell you 

What I '11 swear 's true, 

Dat der railroad, too. 

Lost a switch. 

A which? 

Why, a switch 

Dat yer tried to kick thru. 

Dat '11 do 



Fer you. 

To 
Mrs. Allan A. Ryan, 
on her birthday, 
October 16, 1908. 



Apologies to W. J. Lampton. 



[7] 



A LITTLE BOOK OF 



Presarvin ^-Time. 

Me an' my bruvver Teddy 's 

Goin' ter set eroun' all day, 
An' jes keep ther back porch tidy, 

An' behave like Sabbath day, 
An' keep our jumpers clean an' neat. 

An' hair brushed nice an' slick, 
^Cos it 's presarvin'-iime at our house, 

An' there 's wooden spoons ter lick! 

To 

Master Theodore Sahelle Byan, 

aetat three years, 

on his birthday, 

June 30, 1908. 



8 ] 



TOO FAMILIAE FAMILY VERSE 



Scared er Jumpin\ 

I 'SE got er bruvver Teddy, 
He ain't near so big es me; 

He 's 'low'd ter jump off jes one step, 
But I 'se 'low'd ter jump off three. 

Ma says 'at she '11 spank Teddy 
Ef he jumps off more 'an one. 

(We gits candy w'en Pa spanks us, 
But Ma she don' giv' us none!) 

He 's scared er gittin' walloped 
Ef he jumps es high es me. 

But he ain't scared er jumpin' 
'Cos I pushed him off ter see! 

To 

Master Allan A. Ryan, Jr^ 

aetat five years, 

on his birthday, 

July 4, 1908. 



A LITTLE BOOK OF 



'Zadgeratin\ 

John Barry down ter Suffern's, 

Here a-visitin' with his ma, 
An^ says ther circus come ter town, 

An' he went with his pa, 
An' says in one big waggin 

Was a milyun snakes — erhout; 
But I knows he 's 'zadgeratin', 

'Cos I 'se sure they 'd twiggle out. 

To 

Master John Barry Byan, Jr., 

aetat eight years, 

on his birthday, 

July 8, 1908. 



10] 



TOO FAMILIAR FAMILY VERSE 



After-Birthday-Dinner Verses, 

* ' strawberry Patch, ' ' Suffern, New York, 

September 8, 1908. 
Ladies and Gentlemen : 
This after-dinner speaking is an art 
That e'en should come impromptu from the heart; 
But our fair hostess spread the board so well 
My heart 's too full for words, my stomach feels like 



Therefore if dull I am and lacking sprightly wit, 
Spare me your criticisms, blame Mrs. Al for it. 
However, I must seek to do my best. 
And indigestion hide 'neath bursting vest. 
The girls, impatient, wait to hear their charms 
Discoursed on— hair, eyes, lips, and limbs and arms. 
Let 's not an eyebrow, mole, or dimple miss. 
But stamp each on our mem'ry with a kiss. 

Why, see who 's here ! A mmd of the Diana sort. 
No country gentleman could find a gamer sport. 
Should'st like to see her beauteous eyes aflame? 
Then tell her tales of dog, of gun, of game. 
But first of all should'st see her on a horse. 
For on her hunter's hoofs there grows no moss. 
Full fifty miles she rode 'twixt noon and eve— 
'T is quite a tale, but Clen we must believe— 

[11] 



A LITTLE BOOK OF 

And rode an English, not a Western saddle, 
And sat the hunting-seat, no ugly straddle; 
With naught to rest her, neither horn nor cantle, 
And did not eat her dinner off the mantel. 

Then Nina, bless her wild and fluttering heart. 
No woman ever made could play her part, 
And make a man so happy in his home 
That he has ne'er a wish from her to roam. 
But every year that flits so swiftly by. 
She clips his wings for fear he 'd learn to fly; 
And every other year, for better or worse, 
She calls on Mrs. Striker for a nurse. 
Till John begins to doubt if bolt and door 
Will keep the staining wolf from Barrymoor. 
But let me not forget the infant Basil, 
Or I will surely get the razzle-dazzle. 
He is the finest baby of the bunch, 
And how he yells if he don't get his lunch ! 
But still, when everything is said and done. 
It 's BasiPs ma that surely takes the bun; 
Beside her, sage Minerva ^s very dense. 
And stately Juno looks like thirty cents. 

Why, Sally 's here ! with hair of molten gold, 
'T is better far than that in Wall Street's mold ; 
And fair complexion, all ablush with pink. 
That drives all other women straight to drink; 
But, best of all, a smile that won't come off. 
In spite of teasing, biting jest, or scoff. 

fl21 



TOO FAMILIAR FAMILY VERSE 

And what a hostess ! Every guest at ease ! 
The more you ask, the more she tries to please. 
At our worst failings she has never laughed; 
She sympathizes when we feel a draft; 
And folks like me, who love strawberry jam. 

Get all they want, and she don't give a . 

So let 's unite in giving her the palm; 
As hostess she is not 2i false alarum. 
So let us thank her with a grand Amen, 
For if we don't we won't be asked again. 



[13] 



A LITTLE BOOK OF 



Chaffering. 

THE COFFEE-URN. 

The Lion Passant and Maker's Mark 

Are quite distinct and plain, 
The Leopard's Head is easy, hut, 

To spite your eye and brain, 
You can't make out the Letter 

That would indicate the Date 
On your handeddownforages 

Piece of Ancient Family Plate. 

the venison-dish. 

The Lion Passant and Leopard's Head 

Are plain as plain can be; 
It only takes a half an eye 

The Lettered Date to see; 
But worry thro' your Chaffers, 

Yet the Maker's Marks won't mate 
On your georgeormarthausedit 

Piece of Ancient Family Plate. 

THE TRAY. 

The Letter'd Date and Lion Passant 

You recognize at once; 
The Maker's Mark is quickly found; 

Then, stupid as a dunce, 
fl41 



TOO FAMILIAR FAMILY VERSE 

You puzzle on forever 

O'er the Leopard's foolish pate 
On your can'treplaceitever 

Piece of Ancient Family Plate. 

THE CAKE-BASKET. 

The Letter'd Date and Leopard's Head 

Both quite agree with Cripps; 
In Chaffers is the Maker's Mark, 

But here the expert slips; 
For Lion Passant is missing, 

And there 's naught to show his fate, 
On your nowadaysnothinglikeit 

Piece of Ancient Family Plate. 



15] 



A LITTLE BOOK OF 



Binns, 

Ta-a tat! 

Ta-a tat ! 

Tat! Tat! Ta-a tat! 

Wat ther divil are ye at? 

Ta-a tat tat ! 

Binns! It ain't that 

Dridful signal C. Q. D. 

Wat ye 're sindin' o'er ther sea? 

Arrah, Binns! Binns! Binns! 
'Mid yer flashes an' yer dins, 
Sure ther nerve an' sand widin ye 
Keeps yer standin' on yer pins; 
'Cause it seems ther thing ter do, 
Whin they rams us half-way thro', 
An' Davy Jones is standin' by 
Ter wish us how d' yer do. 
Arrah, Binns! Binns! Binns! 
'Mid yer flashes an' yer dins, 
May yer missage hit ther Baltic 
Afore Death and Davy wins. 

Ta-a tat ! 

Ta-a tat ! 

Tat ! Tat ! Ta-a tat ! 

Where in heaven are they at? 

[16] 



TOO FAMILIAR FAMILY VERSE 

Ta-a tat tat ! 

Binns ! It ain't that 

'Cumilater goin* weak 

So they '11 niver hear us speak? 

Arrah, Binns ! Binns ! Binns ! 

'Mid yer flashes an' yer dins, 

Ye 've no time to pray to Heaven 

Fer rimission of yer sins, 

Wid Marconi's langwidge queer 

Makin' noises in yer ear, 

Spellin' annything for you, Binns, 

But ther letthers m'anin' fear. 

Arrah, Binns ! Binns ! Binns ! 

'Mid yer flashes an' yer dins. 

That C. Q. D. hit 'Sconset, 

I can tell be how ye grins. 

Ta-a tat ! 

Ta-a tat ! 

Tat! Tat! Ta-a tat! 

Binns ! We know where ye ar' at. 

Ta-a tat tat ! 

Sure it is that * 

I '11 niver sail ther blue 

Widout you amongst ther crew. 

Arrah, Binns! Binns! Binns! 
'Mid yer flashes an' yer dins, 
Ye 've got the place amongst us 
Nayther might nor money wins. 

[17] 



A LITTLE BOOK OF 

Wid yer fri'nd Jack Tattersall, 
Who was answerin' of yer call, 
Yer have ther admuration 
Of ther people one an' all. 
Arrah, Binns! Binns! Binns! 
'Mid yer flashes an' yer dins, 
Since we ain't got no more like yer. 
Sure I wish that ye was twins. 



To 

John R. Binns, Esq., 

January 23, 1909. 



18] 



TOO FAMILIAR FAMILY VERSE 

To Louis Brennan, London. 

Are you the Mr. Brennan makes those gyrostatic tops 
That will keep a train in balance 
When it goes or when it stops? 
On single rail, or wire rope 
That 's stretched across 



C 
H 

A 
S 
M 

Write and tell me, Mr. Brennan, 
If you 're the man that has 'em. 

I 'd like a pocket sample of a gyrostatic top. 

Would it help me keep my balance 

When bound homeward from a hop ? 

Would I lose that wabbly motion 

When I try to cross ♦ 

T 
H 
E 

S 
T 
R 
E 
E 
T 

ri9i 



A LITTLE BOOK OF 

When I 'm just a little boozy 
And I can't control my feet? 

Then the stairway in my mansion is the gyratory sort, 
And my wife she haunts the landing, 
So most generally I 'm caught. 
Would I lose the firm conviction 
That the stairs go up 

LIK 

E 

THIS 

If I had a gyrostatic ? 

Would I get a smiling kiss? 

So if you 're the Mr. Brennan makes those gyrostatic 

tops 
That make walkin' chalk lines easy, 
Take the curve off rye and hops, 
Can I trouble you to send me 
One, I 'm truly yours, 
A. 

J 

A 
Y. 

P.S. For very good ones 
I 'II pay anything you say. 



Reprinted from the Sun, 
New YorTc, May 11, 1907. 



[20] 



TOO FAMILIAE FAMILY VERSE 

The Dogbane Beetle. 

'LissA holds a dogbane spray. 
Dogbane beetle finds his way 
To a finger sans a ring. 
'Lissa pouts at such a thing. 
Surely he has little right 
Scintillating ruby light 
Where no jewel ought to be 
When one's heart is fancy free. 

Dogbane beetle likes the part, 

Loath from finger to depart. 
"Take him off," Melissa cries. 

Fear of beetle shuts her eyes. 
"Hold your finger forth," I said, 
"I would have him put his head 

In this little trap I Ve found. 

Then I '11 have him safe and sound." 

Softly, I Melissa's hand 

Held, and slipped a jeweled band 

Down to where the beetle lay. 

Duty o'er, he flew away. 

'Lissa looked, the beast had fied : 

On her finger glowed instead 

Ruby light that never dies. 

'Lissa blushed and dropped her eyes. 

Beprinted from the Sim, 
Neiv YorJc, June 30, 1907. 

[211 



A LITTLE BOOK OF 



Ba AlbermarV Pip\ 

Ah lika to sella banan'; 

Da customa maka no foz, 
He pointa da feenga lik' dees, 

An' say, "Gimmee halfa da doz." 

Ah lika to sella peenut ; 

Eet maka no deef w'at Ah got, 
Da olda one sell jes' as queek 

As da fraish eef Ah keepa dem hot. 

Da appF he giva da troub'; 

So manee da deefaren' kin', 
Da yalla, da gren, an' da red, 

Eet maka much meex en my min'. 

When appP he coma to buy. 

Da bigga man, Boss er da Bank, 

An' messenger boy, vera fraish, 
Eacha one alia sama da crank. 



Da Boss er da Bank vera mad 
Wen he don' finda appF he like; 

He maka me moova my stan', 
An' buy from da Irisha Mike. 

[22] 



TOO FAMILIAE FAMILY VERSE 

Da messenger boy, vera fraish, 

He cheata me alia he can ; 
Getta mad w'en da appF ain' good, 

An* come an' upsetta my stan'. 

But nowa Ah hava no troub', 

EvVaboda he coma to buy; 
Ah doa da bigga da biz ; 

You wanta me tella you why? 

From Napolee coma da fr'en*, 
Ee goa to work een Virgeen' ; 

Ah getta from heem da one let^ 
Ah reada you w'at ee got een: 

^^Een Eengleesh Ah write, deer Tommas, 
To tella you vera good feeng; 
Ah maka da higga discov^ 

Ah tinka much monee he hreeng. 

"T'ro' alia you appV away; 

Ah senda you*greata beeg bar'l 
Fees full wid de appV calV Pip'; 

He 's grow' een dees plaise AlhermarV." 

Nex' day coma longa da bar'l; 

Ah knocka he's haid off so queek. 
"Mio caro !" Ah say to myseP, 

"Da keeng don' hav' appP so sleek." 

[231 



A LITTLE BOOK OF 

All liava no more da beeg troub', 
Dat maka much meex een my min' ; 

Ah keepa no more da bum app', 
Only sella dees AlbermarP kin'. 

Da messenger boy, vera fraish, 
He snatcha da pippin one day; 

Een ten meenit he coma right back, 
An' maka me taka da pay. 

Oncea more he come back on da run, 
An' shaka da handa wid me; 

He say : "Peeka da fines' you got ; 
Ah taka dem een to J. P." 

Da bigga man, Boss er da Bank, 
He see dees one appl' so gran' ; 

He smila all ova da face, 

Say "Buon Giorno," an' shaka da han' 

He feexa da place by da bank. 

An' maka me bringa my stan'; 
He say to da coppa lik' dees: 
."Don' you peencha dees Italee man." 

Ah doa da bigga da biz, 

Ev'raboda he coma to buy. 
Eef Ah maka da money lik' dees. 

Ah go to Virgeen' by an' by. 

To J. P. M., Esq., 
September, 1909. 

[24] 



TOO FAMILIAR FAMILY VERSE 



L' envoi. 

CoME^ little book! 
Go forth and do thy duty. 
Thou hast a mission 
Far beyond the stars. 

What tho' our fathers scorn 

Thee in thy beauty"? 

Lift up thine eyes 

And take thy messages to Mars. 



[25] 



HAY 27 1910 



One copy del. to Cat. Div. 



